How Online Game Reviews Are Ruining Everything

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Online Game Reviews Ruin Everything

Picture this scenario. Your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you. You’re fucking pissed. You got chewed out at work after your wife rejected you for sex. Now you’re really fucking pissed. Some asshole bum stole your techno Christmas light display while you were at work getting your ass chewed out after getting rejected by your wife for sex. Can this get any fucking worse? Three words proved that they very much could: Online Game Reviews.

So, yes things abso-fucking-lutely could go worse! Imagine all the shit happening, and coming home after all the fuck-shit happened to see this:

IGN Review

Well, imagine no further dear reader. That scenario happened to this very writer. This did it. That day became the worst day ever. How do you give a masterpiece a 7/10? A masterpiece that people like me were waiting years for? It’s like reviewing Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9 and giving that shit a 7/10. No, you don’t. Fuck you. Some things in life do not adhere to your shitty 10 scale system. Women? Fine. Food? Makes sense. Masterpieces that live on forever? No, and fuck you for trying.

Idiots Feed into the System

The thing that gets me the most mad is that idiots are out there listening to this shit. This is a real conversation I had with my friend Fucking Steve. For the record, Fucking Steve is an asshole and not my friend. I take that shit back.

Fucking Steve: “Are you gonna get The Last Guardian?”
Me: “Fuck yeah! It looks really good!”
Fucking Steve: “I don’t know man. IGN gave it a 7. That ain’t so good…”

Don’t be an ass-hat like Fucking Steve. Fuck him! Fuck IGN (with the exception of Naomi Kyle who is gorgeous)! That’s how sequels get killed off. That’s how fucking amazing ideas for games stay in Japan. Because of ass-faces like Fucking Steve. Great Detective Pikachu is probably never coming to the US because of shit-faces like Fucking Steve. That game looks amazing, and I may never play the fucking thing. Don’t fucking do it. Don’t be like him.

idiots

Review Sites Are Often Wrong

It’s totally true. I rounded up all the times review sites were dead wrong on good games. It turns out, they are wrong a shit ton of times. I’ve rounded up the most noteworthy ones I could find.

  1. Grandia II – This game shaped my fucking childhood. Gamespot gave it a 7.9. Garbage!
  2. The Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword – I absolutely loved this game. I would have given it a handjob/10. Gamespot gave it a 7.5.
  3. The Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess – Again, loved this game. I turned down slamming a chick that night so I could finish it. It was that good. Gamespot gave it a 8.8. Jeff Gerstmann reviewed it at the time, and I always loved the guy. Not sure what the fuck was up with that.
  4. Any Phoenix Wright game ever. Mixed reviews from these big gaming sites kept Ace Attorney Investigations 2 from coming state-side. Fuck you very much! You ruined many good years I could have had.

I could go on. But, I think the point is made. If you need a recent example, look no further than Dishonored 2.

  1. IGN’s Review – http://www.ign.com/articles/2016/11/14/dishonored-2-review
  2. Steam Users Reviews – http://store.steampowered.com/app/403640/

It’s all a fucking mess. If you asked me, I’d tell you the fucking game is a steaming pile of dog shit on PC (on consoles I hear it actually works). Yet, IGN rates it above a masterpiece. Don’t listen to reviews. Try it and make your own decision. If you got fucked over, you’ll have a funny ass story to tell the boys. If not, then you ain’t got shit to bitch about.

Showing 3 comments
  • Profile photo of Sally
    Sally
    Reply

    This article was so gay

  • Profile photo of
    Khachaturian the Martyr
    Reply

    All PBJohnson articles need to burn and never come back.

  • Profile photo of Party Bus Johnson
    Party Bus Johnson
    Reply

    I bet none of you ever get laid.

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