Pokemon Sun and Moon will be releasing here in a few hours and I thought what would be better than to review some of the new Pokemon that will be coming with the new sequels! I had high hopes coming into this, lets see if it lives up.
I’ll start by getting the LOSERS of the bunch out of the way…
Bewear – 2/10
This is one ugly ass fucking Pokemon. Apparently this garbage looking Pokemon is supposed to “dangerous.” I don’t know about that. It’s hard to be scared of an ugly ass looking pink bear.
Gumshoos – .5/10
This Pokemon is Nintendo’s homage to Donald Trump. Like seriously, he looks just like the fucking guy. He has a strong jaw and small hands…
Palossand – -2/10
Like for real? They couldn’t think of anything so they made a fucking sand castle?
Well, we got the LOSERS out of the way, here are some of the WINNERS
Wishiwashi – 9/10
Shitty name. Like for real, it’s super cheese. But, look at that fucking thing! It’s almost as cool as Gyarados, and that fucker is pretty cool. Ironically, they both evolve from weak little fish, but this one doesn’t technically evolve. It is just a bunch of Wishiwashi in solo form. I’m curious how this will work in game…
Togedemaru – 11/10
It’s a Roly-Poly Pokemon. Like that is how it is classified. That’s pretty fucking bad ass.
Mimikyu – 1100/10
You know, I wasn’t always the cool “Party Bus” guy I am now… There was a time when I was “not cool” (hard to believe, but true) and got shit on by the cool kids. For anyone that has ever felt that then you can relate to Mimikyu. This little guy just wants people to love him, that’s all! But, everyone is too busy loving Pikachu and shit on poor Mimikyu–for the record Pikachu is a bad ass and should not be hated on for being so. So he tries dressing as Pikachu to see if people will love him too.
That just hits me man… Right in the part where all emotions are felt. If he isn’t your favorite Pokemon then there is something wrong with you (unless if it’s Pikachu cuz that motherfucker is cool as fuck).
Nintendo also decided to make Alolan versions as well. We’ll look at some of those…
Alolan Sandshrew – 8/10
I always like Sandshrew. He is one of the coolest Pokemon ever. I only deducted points for the lazy factor. Nintendo obviously just re-skinned Sandshrew and made him a cool looking shade of blue. They could have easily given him a rocket cannon arm or something.
Alolan Vulpix – 10/10
I really want to hate on this Vulpix (see above for the lazy factor) but I simply can’t! I just can’t! Vulpix is cool as shit, and with this new skin it multiplies that times a hundred. This Pokemon would be the very reason I got this (besides the bad ass Mimikyu), but then this one came along and completely solidified the purchase…
Alolan Dugtrio – ∞/10
Some things are so fucking overwhelmingly cool that there is simply no words capable of describing them. Alolan Dugtrio is that for Pokemon. Had they been guys, they would be getting laid 2-3 times per day. Hell, I imagine girls would be paying them to sleep with them. That’s how fucking cool they are.
I’m sure the Alolan Dugtrios could write epic memoirs of their epic lives because with hair like that, it is impossible not to be the life of any party. I can never go back to regular boring ass Dugtrio ever again!